Just Jhakasss: A scene-by-scene account of the SoNand shaadi as it happens… in our head!

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Anil Kapoor, father of the bride, is going around hugging and greeting one and all with a loud ‘Jhakassss!’ ‘Welcome’ is for ordinary mortals, duh.

His daughter Rhea is trailing him, straightening the stole on his sherwani – he keeps disarranging it, you see. Rhea, being Rhea, is also working her way through the crush of guests, smoothening down a tie here, adjusting a pallu there. BTW she is still in her denims; getting everyone to be picture-perfect is such time-consuming work she has had zero time to change.

Mama Sunita has reason to be sporting a pair of sun-glasses indoors - her antique jewels are blinding, reflected in the glow of all the million lightbulbs she has decorated the venue with.

Brother of the bride, Harshvardhan meanwhile is restricting himself to handshakes with all the guests – remember, he has promised to gift a hug to the newlyweds as that’s all he can afford… And he doesn’t want the gift to feel ‘second-hand’, the sweet chap.

Cousin Arjun Kapoor is more than making up for Harsh, as he bear-hugs all the men and holds on to the beautiful girls just that tad minute longer. The girls don’t mind, they are too busy giggling at his deadpan one-liners as they gaze into his bedroom eyes.

Nothing deadpan about Ranveer, who is not a livewire but the whole electricity generator! He’s bouncing around like he’s on caffeine shots, spreading love, joy and madness in such quantities, they finally have to resort to suggesting that Shahid Kapoor’s Maharana Ratan Singh was a tad superior to his Khilji. Mind you, nobody really means it; it’s just to deflate him a little… It works, and he sobers down a few notches, the dear chap.

Cousins of the bride, Janhvi and Khushi are preening in their finery, and Sanjay Kapoor’s daughter Shanaya is about to be signed for her debut film, when suddenly there’s a huge commotion.

What, an IT raid? Housewives marching against conspicuous consumption? Nopes, just Bhai who has decided to make an entry on an elephant, as the brass band strikes up a lively rendition of ‘Prem rattan dhan payo…’ He is greeted by Varun Dhawan and Jacqueline Fernandez, who are the most gorgeous gatekeepers you could lay eyes on.

Every now and then Varun throws in a step from ‘Badri ki dulhaniya’. Jackie follows it up with one or two naughty moves from ‘Ek do teen…’ , till the security rush in to stop her: this is for family viewing, after all.

Ranbir and Alia come in together, stay together and leave together. Is this was they mean by the ‘Do Not Disturb’ honeymoon period?

As Kareena Kapoor, Karan Johar and Swara Bhasker are popping their tongues for crazy selfies, they are bombed by Akshay Kumar who suggestively grins, “Kaategi kya??”

Meanwhile Priyanka Chopra from faraway LA, is making video calls to give her followers a true taste of a big fat Bolly wedding.

However, Farah Khan is more than happy to provide live commentary as she sits in a wheelchair covered in bling – what to do, we are like that only.

At this point, the absolutely dishy Fawad Khan rushes in – he has only just managed his visa from our friendly neighbouring Pakistan. He has just minutes to spare on Indian soil before the MNS get on his tail. But wait, where are the newlyweds??

Stealing a few moments behind the ornamental pillars? Hiding underneath the bar? Deepika helpfully calls in from the French Riviera just before a nation-wide search party is launched. SoNanad are well and happy and are on a flight to Cannes right this minute. This cycling expedition came up, you see. You can catch their updates on Insta. Party on!

Graphics By: Rahul Salve and Tarushi Choudhary

 

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